12 Thoughtful Gifts for Upholsterers
Upholsterer. Guy rips apart chair that somebody peed on for 20 years and says I can save it. Why? Just throw it out! But no, he saves it. Staples, foam, fabric that costs more than chair did new. People bring couch that dog ate and say can you fix it like it was ever not eaten. He says yeah. He always says yeah. That's why you need to get him something that actually helps instead of another broken chair from curb.
Upholstery Staple Gun
Electric one, not manual that makes hand fall off after 50 staples. You pull trigger, thwack, staple in. Why on list? Because manual staple gun is workout from hell, like you are trying to staple through wood that hates you. This does work for you. Makes putting fabric on frame not feel like you are fighting chair that wants to stay naked. If you want one thing that saves his wrist quietly, this might be it.
Fabric Scissors
Big, sharp, heavy, cut through 4 layers of velvet like butter that is also expensive butter. Not little scissors that bend. Real ones. On list because cutting fabric with dull scissors is like cutting steak with spoon, you can do it but you will hate life and fabric will look like you chewed it. Makes cut clean, so chair doesn't look like you cut fabric with teeth, which you did last time because scissors were dull.
Tack Remover
Little tool with fork, you slide under old tack, pop, out. Old tacks are everywhere, rusty, hidden, waiting to stab finger. This removes without destroying frame that is already 80 years old and fragile like my uncle's back. On list because pulling tacks with screwdriver takes forever and you stab yourself and bleed on fabric that you just put on. Remover prevents bleeding on new fabric, which should be obvious goal.
Upholstery Needles
Curved, long, strong, you push through foam that doesn't want needle. I tried to sew button once, poked finger, gave up, button still off. He sews whole couch. These needles go through. On list because without curved needle you can't do deep button, you just poke and hope and hope is not technique. Makes sewing not feel like you are trying to sew mattress with needle made for paper.
Foam Cutter
Electric, hot wire, cuts foam like you cut cake, smooth, no crumbs. Regular knife makes foam tear and look like you cut it with chainsaw that is also drunk. Why on list? Because foam is expensive and one bad cut means you wasted 40 bucks and now you have to explain to customer why couch has lump. Cutter makes foam behave, which foam never does on its own. Foam is asshole.
Magnetic Wrist Pin Cushion
Wristband with magnet, pins stick to it, you don't lose them in couch, which always happens, pin disappears into foam and then customer sits and says ouch. That's lawsuit. This keeps pins on wrist. On list because losing pin inside chair is like losing needle in haystack that someone will sit on. Makes not getting sued for pin in butt possible. Which should be goal for all jobs, not getting sued for pin in butt.
Upholstery Hammer
Small, with magnet on end holds tack, you tap, tack in, fingers safe. Without magnet you hold tiny tack with fingers that are too big and you hit fingers. Every time. On list because hitting fingers with hammer makes you mean and you can't be mean when you hold hammer near fabric that costs 60 dollars a yard. Hammer with magnet saves fingers and fabric and marriage, because you come home less angry.
Measuring Tape
Retractable, wide, doesn't flop like cheap one that flops and you can't measure alone. You measure alone always, no one helps hold other end. This stays stiff 6 feet out. On list because measuring wrong means fabric short, and fabric short means you have to order more and wait 3 weeks and customer calls every day asking is it done. Tape that tells truth prevents 3 weeks of lying that it's almost done.
Fabric Marker
Chalk that washes off, marks where to cut, where to fold. Disappears after, like it was never there, like my motivation on Monday. On list because pen marks stay and then customer sees pen mark on new chair and says what is this. Chalk goes away. Makes marking not permanent mistake. Permanent mistake on expensive fabric is how you lose money and hair at same time.
Staple Remover
Flat, slides under staple, lifts, no tearing wood. Old staples are in there like they were put in by angry person who used staple gun as weapon. Which they were. This removes without gouging frame that is already held together by hope. On list because gouged frame means more work, more wood filler, more time you don't get paid for. Remover makes removal not turn into extra unpaid job.
Work Apron
Canvas, pockets for scissors, marker, phone that rings and you can't answer because hands full of tacks. Apron holds. On list because without apron you put scissors on chair, sit on scissors, now you have scissors in butt and chair has blood. Apron prevents scissors in butt. Should be on safety poster, apron prevents scissors in butt. Makes carrying 10 things possible without looking like you have 10 tumors that are tools.
Knee Pads
Gel, strap on, for kneeling on floor stretching fabric over frame that is on floor because frame too big for table. Knees go snap crackle pop. I kneel to tie shoe and need help up, he kneels 20 times a day. On list because knees quit by 45 if you don't protect them, and then you can't kneel and you have to do everything standing and everything standing is worse. Makes knees last longer than career, which would be nice for once.
