13 Thoughtful Gifts for Youth Sports Coaches
Youth sports coach. Guy who volunteers to coach 12 kids who don't want to be coached and 12 parents who think they are coach. For free. For free! I wouldn't watch my own kid's game for free, he coaches 12 kids for free. And parents yell at him like he is pro coach who lost Super Bowl. He lost 8-2 to team of 9-year-olds who barely know which way to run. So… yeah.
Double Walled Coffee Mug
Not regular mug that gets cold in 10 minutes and then you drink cold sadness that tastes like regret and orange slices. Double walled, keeps hot 6 hours. Why take? Because he is on field at 8 AM, it's 40 degrees, coffee hot, then kid cries, then parent yells, then coffee cold. This keeps hot through yelling. Look, hot coffee at 10 AM when score is 8-2 and parents still yelling like it's World Cup final – that hot sip is only thing keeping him from quitting and becoming guy who sells insurance. Makes not quitting possible.
Collapsible Sports Clipboard
Folds, has dry erase inside, you draw play that kids will not follow at all, not even a little, they will run opposite way like you told them opposite on purpose. On list because… uh, without board you draw play in dirt with stick and dog pees on it. Board keeps play, dry erase, you can erase bad play fast and pretend you meant other play. Makes looking like you have plan possible, even when plan is just please kick ball forward, please.
Mesh Equipment Bag
Big, mesh, holds 20 balls that are flat, half flat, one that is not ball anymore, it's egg. Why take? Because without bag balls in trunk rolling around like they are trying to escape, which they are, they want to escape this team. Bag holds them, zips, you carry, you look like coach, not like guy who stole balls from lost and found. Oh, and it drains, so when it rains and bag gets wet, water leaves, balls don't become aquarium. If you want one thing that stops trunk from being ball prison, this quietly might be it.
Personalized Coach Whistle with Lanyard
Metal whistle, engraved with name, lanyard that doesn't choke you when kid pulls it, which kid will pull it. I mean, whistle is only power he has. He blows, kids kind of stop, kind of. Without whistle he yells and voice gone by 9 AM and then he sounds like frog who smokes. Why take? Because whistle says I'm coach, listen, even when no one listens. Makes voice last past first game, which is important because there are 4 games and voice needed for 4 games of yelling please run forward.
Pop-Up Soccer Goals Pair
Two little goals, pop up, you carry like suitcase. Why on list? Because practice field has no goals, or has goals that are full size and kids can't kick that far, they kick and ball goes 3 feet and they cry. Small goals, kids score, kids happy, you look like genius. Oh, and they pop up fast, so you don't spend 20 minutes setting up goal while kids fight over who gets orange slices first. Makes scoring possible for kids who think scoring is just kicking and falling down, which it is.
Insulated Water Bottle with Straw Lid
32 oz, straw, you flip, drink, no unscrewing lid with hands that are full of cones and clipboard and kid hanging on leg. On list because… look, he yells, throat dry, needs water but can't open bottle because both hands busy holding roster that has 12 names he can't remember, all Jayden, all Jayden. Straw lid, one hand, sip. Makes not passing out from yelling and dehydration possible. Makes water have straw, which for some reason makes you drink more, like you are 5 again, which you are, you coach 5-year-olds, you are 5.
Heated Stadium Seat Cushion
Battery heated, for bleachers that are metal and cold and make butt numb in 10 minutes like butt went to sleep and forgot to wake up. Why take? Because he sits on bleacher between games, watches other team, freezes, butt numb, then stands up and can't feel legs and falls. Heated seat makes butt warm, so butt stays awake. I was thinking… we spend whole life trying to keep butt warm, literally and figuratively. This does literally, which is easier.
Dry Erase Coaching Board
Double sided, magnets, you move magnet that is kid, kid doesn't move like magnet, kid moves like drunk bee. But board shows parents you have tactics, which you do, tactic is please don't all chase ball like bees on sugar. On list because parents see board and think oh he knows, he has board, must know. Board is proof of knowing, even when knowing is just please spread out. Makes parents stop coaching from sideline for 2 minutes, which is vacation. Two minute vacation is vacation.
Youth Sports First Aid Kit
Not band-aids, real kit, ice packs, tape, thing for bloody nose that happens every practice because ball hits face that was not looking at ball. Why take? Because kid falls, cries, parent looks at you like you pushed kid, you didn't, gravity pushed kid, but you need kit to fix. Kit fixes bloody nose, so parent stops looking at you like you are criminal who makes kids bleed for fun. Makes bleeding stop fast, so game continues and you can go back to yelling please kick forward.
Loud Air Horn
Small can, press, BWAAAH, scares everyone, kids, parents, dog, your own soul. Why on list? Because whistle sometimes not enough, kids don't hear whistle because they are arguing about who gets to be goalie that no one wants to be. Horn cuts argument, everyone looks, you say now we play. Makes getting attention without throwing cone at kid possible. Throwing cone is assault. Horn is legal assault on ears, which is better. Oh, and parents hate horn, so they shut up for 10 seconds, which is gift itself.
Custom Team Roster Notebook
Waterproof pages, has roster with positions, snack schedule that is more important than game itself, snack schedule causes fights bigger than game. On list because… uh, you have 12 kids, 12 parents, 12 snacks, you forget who brings what and then two people bring orange slices and one brings nothing and that one is you, you forgot, now you are worst coach. Notebook keeps snack straight, so snack fight not happen, only soccer fight happens, which is at least about soccer.
Portable Canopy Tent 10×10
Pops up, shade, for sideline that has no shade and sun beats like it hates kids personally. Why take? Because sun makes kids melt and parents complain about sun like you control sun, like you are sun manager. Tent makes shade, kids not melt, parents have place to stand and still yell but now yell from shade, which is less angry yelling, more… I mean, still angry, but shaded angry is better than sunny angry. Makes sun not reason you lose, you lose because kids chased butterfly instead of ball, which is real reason.
Agility Cones Set with Holder
50 cones, bright, holder that stacks them so they don't become cone mountain in trunk that falls over every turn like cone avalanche. On list because cones are whole practice, you set cones, kids run around cones, kids knock cones, you set cones again, whole life is cones. Set with holder makes cones have home, so you don't spend 15 minutes picking up cones that rolled under car while kids fight over ball that is flat. Makes cones not reason you quit, even though cones are reason you quit, honestly, cones are reason.
