13 Useful Gifts for Compliance Officers
Compliance officer. Person who says did you read policy. No one read policy. No one ever read policy. He knows no one read policy and his job is to make sure you read policy you will not read. It's like being teacher for adults who don't want to be in class. And they get mad at him for rule he didn't make. He didn't make rule, rule came from somewhere above that also didn't read policy.
Compliance Handbook
Thick, with tabs, real rules, not summary that says be good. Why take? Because when someone says where does it say I can't do that, you open book, point, here, page 47, paragraph 3, it says you can't. Without book you say uh… somewhere, I think, somewhere it says. Book makes somewhere into here. Makes yelling about rule have backup, which you need because people yell about rule like you invented rule to ruin their day. You didn't, book did.
Paper Shredder
Cross cut, shreds to bits that no one can put back together like puzzle from hell. On list because compliance means you have paper you can't throw, you must shred, otherwise audit finds paper in trash and now you have finding, which is word that means trouble but sounds like you found something good, you didn't, you found trouble. Shredder turns trouble into snow. Makes trash not scary.
Locking File Box
Metal, locks, holds files that have social, medical, stuff that if left out means you have breach and breach means meeting where everyone stares at you. Box locks. Why take? Because locking file box is like safe for paper that is scared. Paper scared of being seen. Box keeps paper safe, so you can go to bathroom without thinking did I leave file out, someone saw, now we have breach. Box removes fear that follows you to bathroom, which is worst place for fear to follow.
Redaction Stamp
Stamp that says CONFIDENTIAL, or redacts, black bar. You stamp, info gone. On list because… look, you have to black out stuff, you do with marker and marker bleeds and you can still see through, like you tried to hide but didn't hide, like I try to hide that I ate kid's candy and wrapper in trash gives me away. Stamp hides for real. Makes hiding not half hiding, which is worse than not hiding, because half hiding says you tried to hide and failed.
Highlighter Set
Many colors, you mark what is violation, what is maybe violation, what is definitely violation that will cause training that no one wants to attend. Why take? Because highlighting without colors means everything yellow and yellow means nothing after 3 pages. Colors mean red is bad, green is okay, yellow is maybe, like traffic light for policy that no one reads but at least colors help. Makes reading policy that you have to read even though no one else does slightly less like reading phone book that hates you.
Desk Organizer
Slots for policies, attestations, that one email that says I attest I read policy, which is lie, everyone lies, but you file lie. Without organizer desk is pile that leans and will fall and bury you and compliance will have finding about your own desk, which is ironic and terrible. Organizer makes pile have homes, so you can find lie fast when auditor asks where is lie, I mean attestation. If you want one thing that stops desk from becoming evidence against you, this quietly might be it.
Blue Light Glasses
Block blue from screen where you read policy that is 80 pages and has words like heretofore, which is not word anyone uses outside policy. Eyes burn by 2 PM. Glasses make eyes not burn. Why take? Because eyes needed to read policy again when someone says I didn't know, and you have to show where it says and you have to read heretofore again without crying. Glasses make not crying possible, or at least crying without eye pain plus soul pain.
Noise Cancelling Headphones
Silence. Oh, I love silence. For compliance officer silence is rare because everyone comes to complain about rule. Headphones cancel complain. You put on, quiet, you read policy in peace. On list because reading policy while someone complains about policy is like reading book while someone yells summary that is wrong. Headphones kill wrong summary, keep real policy. Makes reading policy that no one reads possible without hearing wrong version yelled in ear.
Label Maker
Prints labels, you stick on files, box says 2024 Q3 Attestations, not just box that says stuff. Why take? Because unlabeled box is mystery box that will be opened during audit and auditor will open and say what is this, and you say uh… stuff. Stuff is not answer auditor wants. Label is answer. Makes box have name, like dog, box with name is less scary than box with no name that could be anything, like my closet.
Desk Safe
Small safe, code, holds USB with data that is sensitive and should not be in drawer that everyone opens to steal stapler. On list because… look, USB with compliance data in open drawer is like leaving wallet on park bench and hoping no one takes. Safe keeps USB safe, so you can leave desk without fear that someone took USB and now you have breach and meeting where everyone stares. Safe removes staring meeting, which is best gift for compliance officer – less staring meetings.
Insulated Tumbler
Keeps coffee hot 10 hours, which is how long you sit in training that says don't do thing that everyone wants to do because thing is easier. Coffee cold by 9 AM, tastes like policy, which is bland and bitter. Hot coffee at 3 PM when you are explaining same rule for 5th time makes not quitting possible. Makes hot stay hot, which is all any of us want, hot to stay hot and people to read policy, which they never will, but hot coffee helps you accept that.
Document Scanner
Scans paper to PDF fast, so paper that is everywhere becomes file that is also everywhere but searchable, so when auditor says show me file from 2022, you type, you find, not dig through pile that is now leaning tower that will fall and kill you and then compliance has finding about you dying under pile, which is ironic. Scanner makes finding fast, so you look competent even when you feel like you are just guessing where file is, which you are.
Checklist Notepad
Notepad with checkboxes, you check, done, check, done, feels good to check. Why take? Because compliance is checklist, did you do this, did you do that, did you attest you did this that you didn't do but you check anyway. Notepad makes checking physical, pen, check, dopamine, like you accomplished something even though you just checked box that says I read 80 pages that you didn't read but you checked that you read, which is whole job, checking that you read thing you didn't read but now you checked so you did read, kind of.
