17 Awkwardly Perfect Gifts for Ichthyologists Who Like Fish More Than Humans
Buying a gift for an ichthyologist is weird. You go to store, you see fish keychain, you think cute. No. He knows 400 kinds of fish and hates 390 of them because they are invasive. I tried to buy fish gift once, got goldfish cracker, he looked at me like I brought cracker to a shark. So you need real stuff. Stuff that doesn't insult fish.
Waterproof Notebook
Look, he writes next to water. Always next to water. River, boat, tank that splashes. Normal paper dies in 2 seconds. Becomes pulp. This doesn't. You write wet, it stays. So his notes about that weird minnow with crooked fin don't wash away. Good choice because his whole job is remembering fish that look almost same but aren't same and wet notebook that forgets is useless. Like my memory after 40.
Fish Identification Book
Big book, pictures, actual good pictures not blurry ones from 1978. He flips, points, says that's not perch, that's walleye, you idiot. I once called every fish goldfish. Every fish. He almost had stroke. This book stops that. Makes him right faster, which is all he wants. Being right about fish is his love language. Sad love language, but love language.
Waders
Rubber pants up to chest. You wear them, you go in river up to balls and stay dry. Without them you go in jeans and come out wet, cold, leech on leg screaming. These save legs. So he can stand in river for 6 hours counting fish that don't want to be counted. Makes standing in cold water that smells like mud slightly less like punishment for sins you didn't commit.
Polarized Sunglasses
Water glare is brutal. White, blinding, you see nothing but your own stupid face reflected. These cut glare. You look in water, you see fish. Actual fish. Not reflection of cloud that looks like fish because you want to see fish. So he can spot fish without leaning so far he falls in. Which he will still do, but at least he saw fish before falling.
Waterproof Backpack
Holds samples, jars, nets, lunch that is always peanut butter because it doesn't die in heat. Normal backpack soaks, everything wet, lunch wet, notes wet. This stays dry inside even if he falls in river. Which, again, he will. Makes carrying lab on back not turn into carrying aquarium on back. Big difference. Dry backpack, dry lunch, less crying.
Fish Measuring Board
Flat board with ruler. You lay fish on it, measure, quick, back in water. Without it you hold fish in hand, try to measure with tape that fish hates. Fish flops, you drop, everyone looks dumb. This board holds fish still for 2 seconds. So measurement is real, not guess. Makes not lying about how big fish was easier. Fishermen lie, ichthyologists can't. Board keeps them honest.
Underwater Camera
Small camera goes under. Films fish being fish without you standing over them scaring them. Unexpected but perfect. He drops it, watches later, sees fish fight, mate, be weird. So he doesn't have to snorkel for 8 hours and get sunburned in shape of mask. Makes fish watching possible from boat with coffee. Like reality TV but for fish that don't know they are on TV.
Headlamp
Early morning, boat dark, 4 AM, he is out because fish wake up early and don't care you didn't sleep. Hands full of net and bucket and regret. Light on head, both hands free. So he can see what he is doing without holding flashlight in mouth like dog with bone. Red mode so fish don't freak out. Makes dark less dark, which out there at 4 AM is very dark. Like can't see fish dark.
Waterproof Boots
Not waders, boots. For shore, for hatchery floor that is always wet and smells. These don't leak. Grip, so he doesn't slip on algae and become video that interns show at Christmas party. So feet stay dry until waders needed. Makes walking on slime that is definitely alive slightly less like ice skating on snot.
Tackle Box
Not for fishing. For samples. Little compartments for vials, tags, fin clips. Organized. Without it, samples in pockets, pockets leak, everything smells like dead minnow for week. This box closes, labels. So lab doesn't call saying what is this mystery goo you sent. Makes being organized possible when your whole job is wet chaos that smells.
Insulated Water Bottle
Ironic. Guy who lives in water forgets to drink water. Out in sun, boat, no shade. This keeps water cold 24 hours. So he drinks, doesn't get headache and start yelling at fish to cooperate. Simple. I get cranky without water, he gets cranky plus has to count fish that won't stay still. Cold water makes not hating fish possible by 3 PM.
Binoculars
For watching herons that eat his study fish. Heron stands there, eats $2000 worth of tagged trout in one gulp. He watches through binoculars, yells, heron doesn't care. Heron never cares. But at least he sees who ate his data. Makes seeing far better than squinting until eyes hurt and you think every log is heron that is actually log.
Fish Tank
Small desktop tank. Unexpected. For office. He puts one cool fish in it, watches when not in field. Clients see tank, ask oh what fish is that, he lights up like kid. Talks for 40 minutes about that one fish. Makes office feel less like office with dead fish posters and more like, okay, this guy actually loves what he does, even if it's weird love.
Landing Net
Big net with soft mesh. Scoops fish without ripping fin. Old nets rip fins, fish dies, he feels guilty for week. This net is gentle. So fish lives, data lives, he doesn't have to write report about how he killed endangered fish by accident. Which is report you don't want to write. Makes catching not killing. Important difference when you like fish more than people.
Portable Aerator
Battery bubbler. Keeps fish alive in bucket while you drive back to lab. Without it, fish die in bucket and you have bucket of dead sadness that smells. This bubbles, oxygen, fish live. So you can transport live fish without them dying and looking at you with dead fish eyes that say you failed me. Makes not being fish murderer easier.
Hammock
Light, between two trees after 6 hours of electrofishing. You shock fish, they float, you net them, repeat. Back hurts, arms hurt. Hammock forces 10 minutes horizontal, looking at sky, not at water. So he doesn't burn out and start telling people all fish are same, who cares. Makes rest real. You need to lay down to keep loving fish that don't love you back.
Star Map
Glows, shows constellations. He is out at night on lake, no lights, sky huge. Looks up, map helps. Also tourists ask what's that star, he knows but map helps show them. Makes night shift on boat feel less lonely and more like, okay, I'm under same stars as fish, fish don't care, but I care. Small comfort. Fish don't give comfort, stars kind of do.
