17 Thoughtful Gifts for Museum Docents
Museum docent. Person who knows everything about painting guy painted when sad and cut ear off. And does it for free. For free! I wouldn't tell my own kid story for free, he tells story about dead guy's ear for free, three times a day, to people who are looking at phone. And still smiles. That's… that's insane. That's volunteer insane.
Wireless Voice Amplifier with Headset
Little box on hip, headset mic, you whisper and room hears whisper like you are God of art. Why take? Because without it you yell about Monet for 40 minutes and voice gone by second tour and then you mime Monet, which looks like you are having stroke about water lilies. Oh, I yelled once at my kid's game, voice gone for 2 days, couldn't say no, kid ate 8 popsicles. Amplifier saves voice. Makes saying this is impressionism possible without losing voice that says it. If you want one thing that stops voice from quitting before you do, this quietly might be it.
Green Laser Pointer
Green dot, bright, you point at tiny detail in painting that no one sees, like tiny dog in corner that painter hid because he was lonely. On list because… uh, red laser weak, no one sees red in bright gallery that is bright like operating room for art. Green cuts light, people go oh dog. Makes pointing not feel like you are pointing with finger that shakes and no one knows what finger means, because finger means everything and nothing. Laser means dog. Dog matters.
Double Walled Glass Coffee Mug
Glass, double, you see coffee floating like coffee is magic trick that is also hot. Keeps hot 4 hours. Why take? Because tour at 9, tour at 10:30, tour at 1, no time for coffee that is actually hot, only cold coffee that tastes like regret and museum basement. This keeps hot between tours, so sip at 11 is still hot like you just made it, not like you made it when dinosaurs were alive. Makes hot stay hot, which for docent who talks for free is only payment, hot that stays hot.
Memory Foam Walking Shoes
Black, look like normal shoes but inside is cloud that hates pain. You walk 8 miles a day on marble that is harder than my life choices. Marble doesn't care about feet. On list because… look, feet hurt, back hurts, knees go snap crackle pop like cereal that is also in pain. Shoes with foam make marble feel like it likes you a little, not like it wants you to suffer for telling story about dead guy's ear for free. Makes 8 miles feel like 5 miles, which is still too many but less too many.
Cotton Archival Gloves
White gloves, thin, you touch artifact that is 300 years old and worth more than house and you don't leave finger oil that will ruin it in 50 years when you are dead and artifact still there judging you. Why take? Because fear – fear you touch thing and ruin thing that survived war and you ruin it with finger that had sandwich. Gloves stop sandwich finger from killing history. Makes touching history not feel like you are going to be reason history ends.
Small LED Flashlight Pen
Pen size, bright, for dark corner of exhibit where label is tiny and light is also tiny because museum thinks dark is mood. Mood is you can't read label. Flashlight reads label. On list because… oh, you point flashlight at label that says 1783, oil on canvas, and people go oh 1783, like they know what 1783 means, they don't, but light helps them pretend they know. Makes pretending to know history possible in dark that is supposed to be mood but is just dark.
Telescoping Pointer Stick
Extends to 4 feet, collapses to 1 foot, you point at ceiling fresco without climbing ladder that will fall and you will become part of exhibit that is called man falls off ladder in gallery. On list because finger not long enough, laser not always allowed because laser scares security that thinks laser is weapon, which it kind of is, green laser is weapon for cats. Stick extends, you point, you look like teacher, not like guy waving finger at ceiling like crazy person who sees God in paint, which you do, but you don't want to look crazy.
Engraved Wooden Name Badge Holder
Wood, engraved, says Docent Linda, not sticker that peels and says hello my name is… uh, no name because sticker fell off. Why take? Because name matters, people ask question and say hey you, and you have name, you are not hey you, you are Linda who knows about dead guy's ear. Holder makes name stay, not fall off like sticker that always falls off in bathroom and you come back nameless and people think you are new and ask same question you just answered. Makes name stay, so you stay.
Crossbody Canvas Tote Bag
With pockets for radio, water, that one kid who gets lost and you have to hold kid's hand while still talking about Monet, which is hard, holding kid and Monet at same time. On list because… look, tote holds everything, hands free to point at tiny dog in painting, hands free to stop kid from touching painting that says do not touch, which kid will touch, kid always touches. Bag holds, hands free, kid not touching, painting safe, you not fired from free job, which would be worst firing, fired from free.
Heated Vest with Battery
Thin, battery, under blazer, warm, because museum cold, they keep cold for paintings, paintings like cold, people don't like cold but paintings like cold and paintings win, paintings always win. Why take? Because being cold for 4 hours while talking about warm painting of summer field that is warm in painting but you are freezing in front of it is irony that makes you mean. Vest makes you warm while painting stays cold, so you don't hate painting that you love, which would be sad, hating painting you love because you are cold.
Blue Light Glasses with Case
Block blue from computer where you research dead guy's ear for 2 hours, screen bright, eyes burn. I stare at phone 2 hours and eyes say stop. You research 2 hours and eyes say stop and also why are you researching ear for free. Glasses make eyes not sandpaper at night. On list because eyes needed to see tiny dog in corner of painting, tiny dog that is reason you volunteer, tiny dog that no one else sees but you see and you love tiny dog. Glasses let you see tiny dog without eyes bleeding.
Portable Folding Stool
Folds to nothing, you sit for 30 seconds between tours, which is only sitting you get, because docent never sits during tour, sitting during tour looks like you gave up on art. Stool in corner, you sit, oh god, relief, like you sat on cloud that is also stool that hates you a little but less than floor. Why take? Because standing 6 hours on marble makes legs go numb and then you sit and legs tingle like they are waking up from coma that is also standing. Makes sitting possible without looking like you quit art, which you didn't, you just sat.
Microfiber Cleaning Cloth Set
For glasses that fog when you talk about art passionately and breath fogs glasses and now you can't see art you love and you are talking about art you can't see, which is weird, talking about art you can't see because you fogged glasses with passion. Cloth wipes. On list because… uh, glasses fog, you wipe with shirt, shirt dirty, now glasses dirty and foggy, you look like you cried about Monet, which you did, but you don't want to look like you cried. Cloth makes glasses clear, so you can cry about Monet clearly.
Insulated Lunch Bag with Name Tag
Holds sandwich that would otherwise become warm ham that sweats in locker that is also cold like museum, weird locker that is cold and hot at same time. Keeps cold, so ham not trying to kill you. Why take? Because you volunteer for free and then you pay for lunch that tries to kill you, that's double free, free work and free food poisoning. Bag stops food poisoning, so free work not also free death. Makes lunch not reason you stop volunteering, which would be dumb reason, death by ham.
Waterproof Pocket Notebook
Small, writes in rain when you walk to museum, writes when coffee spills, which coffee spills because you carry coffee and tote and pointer and kid that is lost. Normal paper dies, becomes mush. This stays. On list because you write fact you learned about tiny dog in painting, you write so you don't forget tiny dog, because forgetting tiny dog feels like betraying dog that painter hid for you 300 years ago. Notebook keeps dog alive, so you can tell about dog tomorrow to people who look at phone, but at least you know dog.
Reusable Hand Warmers
Click, warm, you put in pocket, hands warm, you hold them like you hold tiny warm animal that is also not animal, it's warmer. Why take? Because hands cold in museum that is cold for paintings, paintings warm, hands cold, irony again. Warm hands make gesturing about art not look like you are shaking because you are cold and scared, but shaking because you are passionate, which you are, but cold shake looks like scared shake and scared not good for docent who is supposed to know everything about dead guy's ear and not be scared of ear.
Museum Humor Tote Bag – Please Do Not Touch
Canvas, says Please Do Not Touch – I Say That 100 Times A Day. Funny, because you do say that 100 times a day, to kids, to adults who are basically kids with bigger wallets. Why take? Because tote says joke so you don't have to say joke, tote says it, people laugh, for 2 seconds they don't touch, which is vacation. Two seconds of not touching is vacation for docent who watches touching all day. If you want bag that gets stolen by other docents, this quietly is it, so get two.
