15 Strong and Reliable Gifts for Boilermakers Who Work with Fire and Steel Every Day
Boilermaker. Guy who builds boiler. Boiler is big metal thing that holds fire and water at same time, which should not be together, fire and water hate each other, like me and my core, hate each other but forced to be together in boiler. He welds boiler that holds fire and water that hate each other and makes them work together to make steam that is also mad water that is also invisible burn. And he does it with fire that is also 3000 degrees, which is hot that is so hot it doesn't feel hot, it feels cold at first, then hot forever.
Auto Darkening Welding Helmet
Darkens when you weld, lightens when you stop, so you don't flip helmet up and down like you are nodding yes to fire that is also 3000 degrees and says yes, burn eyes, yes. Why take? Because flipping helmet 200 times a day makes neck say no more, neck becomes noodle that can't hold head that has eyes that need to see weld that is also fire that is 3000 degrees. Auto dark makes neck not noodle, eyes not burned, so you can see weld that is good weld not bad weld that will leak and then boiler goes boom and you become news, bad news, boiler boom news. Makes eyes stay eyes, not two raisins that are also burned.
Bevel Gauge for Boilermakers
Measures angle, you set, you mark, you cut, angle right, boiler fits, angle wrong, boiler gap, gap means you fill gap with weld that is big weld that is also weak weld that will crack and then leak and then hiss that is steam hiss that is invisible burn that hisses at you like snake that is also hot. Gauge makes angle right, so gap not born, so hiss not born, so snake not born. On list because angle wrong is fear, fear you cut wrong and whole plate trash, plate trash means money trash, money trash means boss yells, boss yells means you hear yelling over welding helmet that is auto darkening but not auto anti-yelling.
Heavy Duty Welding Gloves Long Cuff
Long cuff, covers wrist that always gets spark that finds gap between glove and sleeve and goes in gap like spark is mouse that loves gap and wants to live in gap and burn wrist that is already burned and says oh not again. Long cuff closes gap, spark no home, spark dies outside, not inside wrist that is already home for 10 other sparks that left marks that are also tattoos that say I weld, I burn, I live. Why take? Because wrist burn is worst, wrist bendy and burn makes bendy not bendy, makes bendy ouchy.
Angle Grinder with Flap Discs Set
Grinds, cuts, sparks fly like fireworks that will burn shirt if shirt cheap, which shirt cheap, shirt always cheap, shirt has holes that are from sparks that are fireworks that hate shirt. On list because… uh, grinding is half job, you weld, you grind, you weld, you grind, you grind more than you weld, grinding never ends, grinding is like sanding infinite table that is also steel that is also hot. Grinder with discs makes grinding faster, so infinite table becomes finite table that ends, so you can go home and not grind in dreams, which you do, you grind in dreams, I grind in dreams about emails, you grind steel, both grind, both never end.
Leather Welding Apron
Leather, covers chest, belly, that one spot where spark always lands and burns hole in shirt that is good shirt that wife said don't wear good shirt to work, you wore good shirt, spark burned hole, wife says I told you, you say sorry, apron prevents sorry. Why take? Because apron takes burn, not shirt, not belly, belly stays belly, not burned belly that is also story at ER that says why you have hole in belly, you say spark, spark that is also 3000 degrees that wanted to live in belly. Apron says no, live in leather, leather doesn't care, leather already dead, cow already dead, leather can't burn more, leather already burned in sense, existential burn.
Soapstone Marker Holder with Refills
Holds soapstone, marks steel, white line, you cut along line, line stays even when steel hot, even when steel 1000 degrees, soapstone doesn't care, soapstone is rock that marks rock, rock marking rock, rock helping rock, like rock friendship. On list because marker that is pen melts, pen says no, I'm plastic, I melt, soapstone says I'm rock, I don't melt, I mark. Makes marking possible on steel that is hot that lies about being cold but is hot, but soapstone marks anyway, soapstone brave, soapstone is bravest rock.
Magnetic Welding Square 90 Degree
Magnet, holds steel at 90, you weld, steel stays 90, not 89, not 91, 90, because 89 means boiler crooked and crooked boiler is boiler that leans like me after two beers, which is one beer, and leaning boiler is boiler that will fall and crush something that is expensive and also maybe you. Square holds 90, so boiler not leaning, boiler straight, you straight, we all straight, which is lie, no one straight, but steel straight, take what you can get. Oh, fear – fear you weld crooked and whole thing trash, square prevents trash, prevents fear becoming real trash that is also steel trash that is heavy trash.
Insulated Tumbler with Handle and Lid 40 oz
Handle, lid, straw, you drink with gloves that are big like Mickey Mouse hands that can't open bottle, but handle you can hold with Mickey hands, straw you can drink with helmet on, helmet auto darkening but not auto thirsty, you still thirsty. Why take? Because welding 8 hours in heat that is from fire that is 3000 degrees plus boiler room that is 120 degrees, you sweat like you are inside boiler that you are building, you are inside boiler that you are building, meta boiler, you inside boiler building boiler, you sweat, you need water but water hot if not insulated, hot water in hot room is betrayal, like room is hot and water also hot, double hot, no relief. Tumbler keeps cold, so cold stays cold, relief exists, small relief but relief.
Tool Roll for Chisels and Punches
Roll, pockets, you roll, chisels don't bang, chisels have beds, like little chisel hotel where each chisel has own bed and doesn't fight other chisel that is also sharp and wants to fight. On list because… look, chisels loose in bucket bang and dull and then dull chisel doesn't cut, it crushes, crush looks like you hit steel with hammer that is also dull, which you did, hammer also dull, everything dull, job dull, life dull, but sharp chisel makes life less dull, sharp cuts, dull crushes, you want cut, not crush, cut is clean, crush is messy like my apartment.
Respirator Mask with P100 Filters
Filters, you breathe, dust not in lungs, fumes not in lungs, lungs stay lungs, not dust lungs that are also lungs that have metal dust that will live there forever like bad roommate that never leaves and smokes in lungs. Why take? Because welding fume is invisible, like steam, invisible burn but for lungs, you breathe and later you cough and cough is fume saying hi, I'm still here, I live here now. Mask says no, you don't live here, you live in filter, filter thrown away, you not thrown away, you stay, lungs stay. Makes breathing not dying, which should be basic but in boilermaker basic not basic, basic is fire and dust trying to live in you.
Welding Cap with Sweatband
Cap, cotton, under helmet, sweatband soaks sweat that would otherwise go into eyes and eyes sting and you can't see weld and you weld blind and blind weld is bad weld that will crack and then leak and then hiss and then boom, all because sweat in eyes. Cap soaks, eyes clear, weld seen. On list because… uh, sweat in eyes is worst, sweat salty, eyes salty, you already have salty eyes from life, you don't need extra salt from sweat that is also salty, double salty eyes, no see. Cap makes single salty eyes, which is normal salty eyes, not double.
Steel Toe Work Boots Waterproof
Steel toe, so when plate falls, plate that weighs more than car, foot not become pancake that is also foot that is now flat foot that is really flat, like cartoon flat foot that is also ouch. Waterproof, so puddle that is always in shop, puddle that never leaves, puddle that is permanent resident that pays rent in rust, doesn't make feet wet. Why take? Because wet feet plus steel toe is foot that is safe but wet, wet foot cold, cold foot mean, mean foot in boot that is safe but mean is still mean. Waterproof makes foot safe and dry, safe dry foot better than safe wet foot, take what you can get.
Portable LED Work Light with Magnet
Light, magnet, sticks to steel, lights inside boiler that is dark, dark like cave that is also hot and has places where you can get stuck and then you are stuck in boiler that is dark and hot and stuck, which is fear, fear you get stuck in boiler you built and boiler says now you live here, you are part of boiler now. Light sticks, lights cave, you see, you not stuck, you see where you are, you see exit, exit important, exit always important, in boiler and in life, need exit. Makes dark not dark, so fear not real, fear just dark that is now light, which is still fear but lit fear, better than dark fear.
Measuring Tape with Magnetic Tip 25 Foot
Tip magnetic, sticks to steel, you measure alone, no other person to hold other end, other person never holds right, other person holds wrong and tape falls and you fall trying to catch tape that is falling like tape wants to die. Magnet holds, you measure, alone, you can measure alone, which you do alone anyway, alone is whole job, alone with fire and steel that are also alone together, fire and steel alone together, like you alone together with fire and steel. Tape makes alone measuring possible, so you don't need other person who doesn't want to hold tape because tape is boring, tape is boring but important, like me, boring but important, I think, maybe not important, but boring yes.
Cooling Towel Pack
Towel, you wet, you snap, it gets cold, you put on neck that is sweaty neck that is also burned neck that is also red neck that is not political red neck, just red from fire that is 3000 degrees. Why take? Because neck hot, head hot, helmet hot, everything hot, hot that never ends, hot that lives in shop and never leaves, hot that is permanent resident that pays rent in sweat. Cooling towel cold, neck cold, head cold for 5 minutes, 5 minutes cold is vacation, vacation on neck that is also cold that is also not hot for 5 minutes, which is all you get, 5 minutes not hot, take it, 5 minutes is something, something better than nothing, nothing is hot, something is cold, cold something better than hot nothing. If you want gift that makes neck not quit quietly, this is it.
