17 Weirdly Honest Gifts for Harbor Masters Who Are Landlords for Water
Harbor master. That's a guy who owns water but doesn't own water. Like landlord for ocean that doesn't pay rent. Everybody with boat thinks rules don't apply to them because boat. Drunk guy in flip-flops with boat named Second Wife wants to park 80 foot yacht in spot for 20 foot dinghy and says come on man. Harbor master has to say no all day. That's his job. Saying no to rich guys with boats. That's harder than saying no to my kid who wants candy at checkout. My kid cries. Rich guy with boat calls mayor. So you try to buy gift for guy who says no for a living. You can't get him boat. He hates boats. He loves boats and hates boats at same time, like I love my kids and also want to live alone in motel.
Binoculars
For watching idiot 400 yards out who thinks no wake zone means go faster. He sees him coming, already knows, that's guy who will hit piling and say piling hit me. Why on list? Because without binoculars he finds out too late, when crunch already happened and guy is already lying. With binoculars he sees dumb coming from far away, like I see my own bad decisions coming but can't stop them. Makes seeing dumb early possible, which is whole job.
Marine Radio
Handheld, waterproof, screams when someone yells Mayday or just yells about seagull stealing sandwich. He lives on this. Without it he is just guy yelling across water like idiot in wind. On list because radio lets him tell boat to move without rowing over there and having conversation that will make him want to quit and sell hot dogs. If you want one thing that keeps him from rowing over to yell at rich guy, this quietly might be it.
Tide Clock
Not normal clock. Shows tide. High, low, oh shit low. I have clock at home, it shows I'm late. This shows water is late. Or early. Water doesn't care about your schedule. Why on list? Because harbor master knows tide better than his own kids birthdays, and kids birthdays he forgets, tide he never forgets, because tide will ground boat and then he has to deal with guy crying about prop. Clock makes tide visible, like mood ring for ocean that is always moody.
Waterproof Jacket
Not rain jacket from mall that says waterproof and then leaks in 5 minutes like it lied on resume. Real one, rubber, smells like boat, keeps you dry when rain comes sideways at 6 AM because you have to be on dock at 6 AM because someone's boat sank a little, just little sunk, which is still sunk. On list because being wet all day makes you mean, and he has to be mean already, so wet mean is too mean. Dry mean is better mean.
Deck Boots
Tall rubber boots, you step in puddle that is not puddle, it's diesel and fish guts and water that has seen things. Feet stay dry. I wore sneakers on dock once, slipped, almost died, everyone laughed, including seagull. These boots grip, don't slip, so you don't die funny death that people tell at bar. Makes walking on dock that is basically snot covered wood possible without becoming story.
Brass Bell
You ring it, ding, means stop, or start, or hey asshole. Loud. No batteries. Why on list? Because yelling hey doesn't work, wind eats yell. Bell cuts wind, people look. Also feels good to ring bell when you are angry instead of yelling, like you are in old movie where you are captain and not just tired guy in office that smells like rope. Makes anger sound official.
Dock Line
Thick rope, soft, doesn't burn hands when boat pulls like rope that hates you. He has 100 ropes, all old, all stiff like my back in morning. New rope is soft, strong, feels nice. On list because rope is like friend, good rope helps, bad rope betrays you and lets boat hit other boat that costs more than house. Good rope prevents lawsuit. Rope that prevents lawsuit is good rope.
Headlamp
Light on head, hands free, for checking mooring at 5 AM in dark where water is black and looks like it wants to keep you. You hold flashlight in mouth like dog, you drop it in water, now flashlight lives in harbor forever. Headlamp stays on head. Why on list? Because dark plus water plus rope equals falling in, and falling in at 5 AM in November is not funny, it's how you get pneumonia and become story.
Waterproof Notebook
Write in rain, splash, coffee spill that is always coffee because he drinks coffee like it's water that actually works. Normal paper turns to mush that looks like old map. This stays. On list because he writes boat name, slip number, guy who owes money, and if paper dies he forgets and then guy says I paid and he didn't and now fight. Notebook that doesn't die prevents fight. Preventing fight with boat guy is worth it.
Insulated Tumbler
Keeps coffee hot 12 hours, which is exactly how long he is outside pretending he likes being outside. Coffee cold by 8 AM otherwise, tastes like regret and seagull. Hot coffee at 11 AM when drunk boater asks same question for third time makes not punching boater possible. Makes hot stay hot, which is all any of us want, hot to stay hot, cold to stay cold, people to stay where you put them.
Folding Chair
For dock, low, with cup holder, folds. He never sits. Never. Thinks sitting means harbor falls apart. It does, but chair lets it fall apart while sitting for 10 minutes. On list because sitting is not quitting, it's pausing, and pausing makes you not hate water. I never sit, then I sit and realize I needed to sit 6 hours ago. Chair teaches sitting is okay. Water will still be there being annoying when you stand up.
Tool Bag
Canvas, holds shackles, tape, knife, that one wrench that fits everything that always disappears like my 10mm socket that is in another dimension with all socks. Bag zips, floats a little, so when you drop it off dock, which you will, it doesn't sink like brick. On list because carrying tools in pockets makes you look like you have 20 tumors that are wrenches. Bag makes you look like you have plan, even when plan is just don't let boats hit each other today.
Portable Air Horn
Small can, press, BWAAAH, scares everyone, seagulls, drunk guy, your own heart. Why on list? Because sometimes radio and bell don't work, guy has music loud and thinks harbor is his bathtub. Horn cuts music, cuts soul, guy looks. Makes getting attention without throwing something possible. Throwing something is assault. Horn is not assault. Horn is legal assault on ears.
Hammock
Between two pilings, after shift, you lay and water moves under you and you think maybe water is not so bad when you are not in charge of it. Unexpected, right? On list because harbor master never rests on water, always works on water. Hammock lets him be on water without being responsible for water. Makes water feel like vacation, not job, for 15 minutes before someone yells hey harbor master.
Star Chart
Glows, shows constellations you see at night on dock when all boats finally shut up and water is black and calm. He looks up, chart in hand, feels small in good way, like my problems with slip fees are small compared to universe that doesn't care about slip fees. On list because night watch is lonely and stars don't ask where to park. Stars just are. Like ideal boaters. Ideal boaters don't ask, they just are somewhere else.
Marine First Aid Kit
Not band-aids, real kit, for hook in hand, rope burn that takes skin off like cheese grater, fish fin stab that swells. He is first to get there when someone bleeds on boat and says I'm fine while bleeding. Kit fixes. On list because harbor is place where people get hurt doing dumb things they call fun. Makes being first responder with actual response possible instead of just saying ouch and offering paper towel.
Funny Coffee Mug
Says I Am Harbor Master Not Your Boat Butler. Or asks Have You Tried Not Hitting Dock. Dumb, funny, he drinks from it in office that smells like diesel and old coffee. Why on list? Because people see mug and laugh and for 2 seconds don't ask dumb question. Two seconds of not dumb question is vacation. If you want gift that gets stolen by every dockhand, this is it, so get two and hide one.
