12 Insanely Brave Gifts for Volcanologists Who Run Toward the Lava
I tried to buy gift for volcanologist. I thought, get him a candle. Funny, lava, candle. No. He studies actual lava that can melt your shoes while you are still wearing them. He runs toward volcano when everyone else runs away screaming like cartoon. So candle is insult. You need gift that says I know you might die for rock that is hot. Respect.
Gas Mask
Volcano farts. Constantly. Sulfur, nasty stuff that burns lungs and makes eyes water like you watched sad movie. This mask filters it. So he can stand near crater that is smoking like giant angry cigarette and breathe. Without it, he coughs, cries, has to leave before data is done. Makes breathing near thing that wants to kill you possible. Which should not be job, but is.
Heat Resistant Boots
Ground is hot. Like, ground itself is hot. Not air, ground. You step, sole melts a little if boots are cheap. These don't melt. Thick, heat proof, grip on ash that is slippery like snow but hot snow. So feet don't cook inside boots like dumplings. Makes walking on earth that is literally cooking itself less like walking on stove you forgot to turn off.
Rock Hammer
For hitting rock that was liquid yesterday. Now it's hard, black, sharp. He hits, breaks, takes sample that is still warm. Feels like holding time. This hammer doesn't break when you hit hard rock. Cheap hammer bounces and hits your shin and you swear in 3 languages. Good hammer breaks rock, not shin. Makes collecting hot rock that used to be inside planet feel like you have right tool, not just anger.
Safety Glasses
Ash, tiny glass pieces flying. Wind blows, you get face full of volcano dandruff that scratches eyes. These block it. Clear, don't fog when you sweat, which you sweat a lot because you're next to lava. So he keeps eyes. Needs eyes to see if lava is coming faster, which it does sometimes without asking permission. Makes keeping both eyes till retirement possible, which for this job is achievement.
Hiking Backpack
Carries gas sensors, camera, water, rock samples that weigh more than your kid. Tough fabric, doesn't rip on sharp lava that is basically knives made of black glass. So he doesn't carry 3 bags like confused tourist who took wrong tour. One bag, organized, on back, hands free to not fall into crater. Which would be bad day. Very bad day.
GPS Device
Marks where sample came from, where crack opened, where ground got hotter. Lava covers everything, old marks gone. Without GPS, it's over there near big rock, but big rock is now under lava, so where? This saves exact spot. So 5 years later someone can find same spot, if spot still exists and not now ocean. Makes his work survive longer than volcano, which is trying to erase everything.
Thermal Camera
Unexpected but brilliant. Sees heat. Points at volcano, sees where hot, where hotter, where oh shit hotter. So he doesn't have to touch ground to know it will melt boot. Camera shows colors, like predator vision but for nerds. Makes knowing where not to step possible without learning by burning. Learning by burning is bad learning. Very bad learning.
Waterproof Notebook
Ash, rain, sweat, all at same time. Normal paper dies, becomes gray mush that looks like ash itself. This notebook doesn't. Write with pencil, it stays. So notes about gas smell and rumble don't wash away when volcano decides to also make it rain mud. Which it does. Volcanoes are drama queens. They do everything at once. Notebook survives drama.
Headlamp
Early morning, crater dark, 4 AM, he is out because volcano doesn't care you didn't sleep. Hands full of sensor and rock and fear. Light on head, both hands free. So he can see where he steps without holding flashlight in mouth like dog. Makes dark less dark when dark is also full of sulfur that makes you cry. Crying in dark near lava is not good look, but headlamp helps you see through tears.
Binoculars
For watching crater from safe distance that is never really safe. You see bubble, pop, lava spatter. Far enough not to die, close enough to feel heat on face like bad sunburn. Binoculars make far close. So he doesn't have to walk closer for better look and then run when it pops bigger. Makes curiosity less likely to kill you, which for volcanologist is daily struggle.
Portable Weather Station
Measures wind, which way gas blows. Important. If wind blows gas at you, you leave. If you don't know wind, gas finds you and you have bad day. This little station tells you. So he knows when to stay and when to run like everyone else. Makes having personal weatherman that says don't breathe that way very useful when air itself is trying to be spicy.
Volcano Model
Small desktop model that erupts with baking soda. For office, for kids, for explaining to mom what he does without showing video where he almost dies. He presses, it fizzes, people go cool. Makes explaining job that sounds insane sound fun and safe, even though real job is not safe and not fun when lava is faster than you thought. Model never faster than you. Model is nice volcano. Real volcano is not nice.
