11 Useful and Durable Gifts for Steamfitters Who Work with Heat and Pressure Every Day
Steamfitter. Like pipefitter but angrier, because steam. Steam is water that is mad, water that got hot and now is invisible and will burn you and you can't see it coming, like my ex when mad, invisible burn. He works with invisible burn that can cook you like lobster that didn't ask to be cooked. And pipe is hot, always hot, hot that lies, looks cold but hot, like stove that says I'm not hot but is hot. So he touches hot that lies, every day.
Steamfitter Pipe Wrench 24 Inch Aluminum
Long, light, aluminum, so you can swing without arm falling off after 10 swings that are really 100 swings because pipe stuck like it was welded by God himself. Why take? Because steel wrench heavy, aluminum light, same bite, less weight, so you can swing longer before arm says no more, we quit, we become noodle. Oh, fear – fear you strip pipe with cheap wrench and now pipe round and smooth and nothing grips and steam hisses at you like snake that is also hot and invisible. Long wrench prevents round pipe snake hiss.
Infrared Thermometer Gun
Point, pull trigger, number shows, pipe 300 degrees, you don't touch 300 degrees, you thought pipe maybe 100, maybe touchable, gun says 300, you don't touch, hand saved. On list because… uh, touching 300 degree pipe with bare hand is how you learn what 300 degrees feels like, which is learning you don't want, learning that stays in hand for 3 weeks as blister that is also lesson. Gun teaches without blister, which is better teaching, teaching without blister is good teaching, like teacher who doesn't hit, gun doesn't hit, just tells.
High Heat Resistant Gloves 1000 Degree
Not regular gloves that melt when you look at steam, these don't melt, they laugh at 1000 degrees, like gloves that are also superheroes that hate heat but win. Why take? Because regular gloves melt and then melt sticks to hand and now hand has melted glove plus burn, which is two problems that are one problem that is worse problem. High heat gloves don't melt, so hand stays hand, not melted glove hand that is also burned hand that is story you tell at ER while ER says why you touched hot pipe, and you say pipe lied, pipe said cold.
Digital Pressure Gauge 0-200 PSI
Digital, shows pressure, 0 to 200, because steam pressure is not joke, pressure too high, pipe goes boom, boom means you become news, bad news, pipe bomb that is not bomb but is bomb. Gauge shows number, number high, you let out steam, boom not happen. On list because guessing pressure by listening to pipe hiss is like guessing how mad someone is by how loud they breathe, you can guess but guess wrong and you get yelled at or pipe explodes, both bad, but pipe explosion worse than yelling, actually both bad, but explosion worse, I think.
Pipe Insulation Cutter
Cuts insulation clean, not like you cut with utility knife and insulation tears like you ripped pillow that is also fiberglass that itches for 3 days like you rolled in cactus that is also itchy. Cutter cuts clean, edge nice, so insulation fits like jacket for pipe that is hot and needs jacket so it doesn't burn people who touch pipe that lies about being cold. Makes insulation look like you meant it, not like you attacked insulation with knife that hates insulation.
Safety Goggles with Side Shields
Side shields, so steam that sneaks from side doesn't sneak into eye that is side eye that didn't know steam comes from side, steam comes from everywhere, steam is sneaky, like cat that is also hot and invisible. Why take? Because eye full of steam is eye that cries for 2 days and says why did you look at steam, steam said don't look, but you looked. Goggles block side sneak, so steam can't sneak, steam has to go around, steam goes around and you laugh, ha, steam, you didn't get eye, eye still eye.
Insulated Lunch Box with Thermos
Keeps food cold in room that is hot, 110 degrees, because boiler room hot, always hot, hot that never leaves, hot that lives there and pays rent in sweat. Your sandwich becomes hot ham that sweats like you sweat, which is gross, ham sweating like you. Lunch box keeps cold, so ham not sweating, ham cold, you cold ham, not hot ham that will kill you with food poisoning that is also hot. Makes eating not dying, which should be basic but in boiler room basic not basic, basic is hot and trying to kill you.
Small Heavy Duty Tool Chest
Metal, locks, holds dies, gauges, that one tool that always disappears into boiler that is big and has places where tool can hide forever like tool ghost that haunts boiler and rattles when boiler on, which is scary, haunted boiler that rattles tool ghost. Chest holds, locks, ghost not born. On list because… look, losing tool in boiler means you have to fish tool out of boiler that is hot and dark and has places where hand gets stuck and then you are stuck in boiler and you become part of boiler, which is job security but not good job security.
Thread Checker Tool
Has many threads, you screw pipe in, check if thread right, because thread wrong means leak that is steam leak that is invisible burn that hisses and you can't see hiss, you only hear hiss and feel burn later, like sunburn but now and hot and invisible. Checker says thread right, no hiss later. Why take? Because guessing thread by eye is how you make leak that hisses at night and keeps you awake thinking about hiss that is your fault, hiss that is steam saying you messed up, you messed up and now I hiss forever.
Bluetooth Earmuffs with Radio
Block roar of boiler that roars like dragon that is also hot and angry and lives in basement and roars 24 hours, dragon that never sleeps, dragon that is boiler. Earmuffs block roar but play music, so you hear music not dragon, you hear song while dragon roars outside earmuffs, dragon roars, you dance a little, dance while boiler roars, which is weird dance, hot dance in hot room that is also boiler room that is dragon room. Makes roar not make you deaf by 50, which deaf by 50 means you can't hear hiss that is important hiss, hiss that says leak, you need to hear hiss, but not roar, so earmuffs with radio let you hear hiss later, not roar now. If you want one thing that saves ears quietly, this is it.
Stainless Steel Water Bottle with Time Markers 32 oz
Marks that say drink at 8, 10, 12, like bottle is mom that says drink water, you didn't drink water, you will die, drink. Why take? Because in boiler room you sweat like you are in sauna that is also work, water leaves fast, you forget drink, you think I'm fine, I'm not fine, you are raisin that is also man that fixes steam. Time markers nag, you drink, you stay grape, not raisin, grape better than raisin, grape has water, raisin is grape that gave up. Makes staying grape possible in room that wants to make you raisin.
